How to Outsmart Your Opponent

A friend of mine recently inspired this posting. I’m going to dedicate the information to her, for whenever and wherever she feels the need to remove it from her arsenal.

Last weekend, I picked up my mother from the airport for her annual fall break vacation to Colorado. We were starving so we met up with Jess and her boyfriend Chad for some microbrews and nachos. As we sipped our tasty brew, Chad relayed the latest news on his two young nephews.

Is it normal for a three year old to give in so easily to his bossy, seven-year-old brother? Shouldn’t he be fighting back? Is it right to punish a sibling who outsmarts the other? We decided ultimately, yes. But that’s because arguing over toys eventually leads to punching, slapping, and pulling hair --I don’t care who you are. Didn’t we all learn this in preschool?

I wont bore you with this analogy, but our conversation got me thinking about strategies people use in their daily interactions. Even from the time we are young. Consciously or sub-consciously, we all make competitive decisions, big or small, every day. A friend once told me to pay attention to the feeling I get every time I walk away from an interaction with someone. He said, it’s simple, “You either feel a plus, like you have taken something away, or a minus, like you have given something up.” His theory is that, over time, these (often subconscious) feelings add up to determine whether you like or dislike an individual.

Strategic translation: You’ve either won or you’ve lost. You walk away with the toy or you walk away with a black eye.

Let me remind you that this type of competitive approach with the people you call your “friends” or your “family” (is it just me or there is something funny about putting quotation marks around the word family? …your alleged “family”) will get you nowhere. I wouldn't recommend using these tactics unless it's absolutely necessary. What I’m interested in here is how to spot a negative, energy-zapping interaction before it happens and how to turn the interaction to your favor when the gloves must come off.

It’s pretty entertaining to Google something like “how to outsmart your opponent.” Here are a few of the top results:

According to MensHealth.com, in order to outsmart and outlast (outlast? I haven’t even considered taking stamina into consideration) your opponent, you must “Dream the Feeling.” The Peter Pan prophets say that when you daydream, you are actually training your neuromuscular connections; and yes, the article is actually talking about sports, but it works. So instead of “fantasizing about coming from behind to beat your rival, focus on the physical sensations you want to achieve during competition.” In other words, imagine your confident posture, relaxed facial expression, and voice with as much authority as you can muster.

The next stop on my wild research ride is a questionable poker website, complete with whisky ads and Wild West photos. The message here? Profile your opponent. “It is a skill that will allow you to outsmart your competition on your way to big time earnings.” (NOTE: I’m not promising any dividends here, but nothing says victory like a little satisfaction.) According to sketchypokerwebsite.com, the first thing to know is that your opponent is profiling you at the same time. For this reason, you should do whatever it takes to hide the real you. This way, you can get a good read on your opponent, but they will not be able to do the same to you. The other gem of advice here is to act quickly and accurately. “Remember, you will not be at the table with the same people for days on end. From the second they approach you, you will have to consider what you will do to beat them, and how you can implement the plan.” Vague and a bit cutthroat, but you get the picture.

Gamblers aside, who better to ask than the psychologists themselves? Patrick J. Cohn, Ph.D, Mental Game Coach and author of the The Confident Athlete: a 14-day Plan for Ultimate Self-Confidence says that a rival will put obstacles in your way just to flex his or her muscles. He suggests grabbing the bull by the horns and dethroning your opponent by forming allies. Invite a few mutual friends out for breakfast, and get everyone on the same page, then foot the bill. Victoria Hilkevitch Bedford Ph.D, professor of psychology at the University of Indianapolis, says that "the person who's out to get you will then be out-numbered. And if most people are in favor of your perspective, the opponent will want to join your winning team." If that doesn't turn the situation in your favor, there's always the moral high road of silence.