It’s time to put the rumors to rest –I am alive and well. I have not fallen off the face of the planet, though the last two months have been an interesting ride. I guess I could best describe them as speeding through an empty parking lot covered in ice, then yanking the emergency brake, and spinning dizzily around a half dozen times. Through the blurred landscape and my white knuckle grip on the steering wheel (which I was not steering in the least), all I could do was hold my breath and pray to God that I didn’t smash into anything. That’s basically what it feels like to be laid off.
For a long time, I didn’t know how to feel. I wasn’t terrible crushed, in fact, I did a standup job of convincing the President of the company that I would have no problem finding a job. Before I knew what I was saying, I confessed to her that I already had a freelance writing job on the side. I may have even gone as far as saying, “Don’t feel bad.” But then I took it even farther. My body felt paralyzed from the news of losing my job, but somehow my tongue wagged on and on about fabricated job opportunities and writing contracts I had never heard of. I slipped into some sterile tone of creepy, programmed professionalism, and before I knew it she was laughing at my jokes. (Layoff …funny?) It was all very strange. I had no idea what I was doing, and I sat there in awe of myself, thinking “Why the fuck am I trying to make this woman laugh? Who turned on the autopilot, and what have they done with Lindsey?”
I sat at a stop light yesterday, half laughing to myself at the thought of the whole, idiotic scene. Why couldn’t I have seized that moment to make to make this otherwise non-confrontational, fiscally-infuriating, nonsensical CEO feel as uncomfortable and nervous as I could make possible? FOR ONCE! Instead, I sat across from her and desperately convinced her that I needed the job just as little as she needed me. What the hell?! Autopilot is our body’s cruel and unjust way of handling delicate situations with care –so that we can torture ourselves later with what we wish we would’ve done.
All this out-of-practice blog babble leads to the one thing that’s occupied 99.9% of my thinking since that fateful April day: What to do next. In short, I’ve wanted to move to New York since I first set foot in the shitty, gritty city eight years ago. (If I have to explain ‘why on Earth I would ever want to live there’ one more time I’m going to have a seizure, so I’ll save that blog for another day.) Immediately, I thought, I’ll save money to move and get out of Boulder by the end of the summer. The month of May flew by with two car seats buckled in back of my nannymobile, and soon after I burned my first paychecks in a trashcan in my back yard (might as well have), I remembered how hard it is for me to save money (see blog archive).
I stayed awake in bed until 4 a.m. for three nights in a row --stressing, stressing, stressing about finding a job, feeling unqualified, packing my winter clothes, finding an apartment, talking to my friends in NY, meeting my ex’s new girlfriend there, the fact that its taken me so long to move there, how much money I will need to live, and why I still hadn’t fallen asleep—until I made myself so sick that I threw up and broke down in tears on the phone to my Grandpa. (Pathetic, I know.)
That’s when I decided to give myself (a F&^%$#*) break. I called my wise friend Nicole, asked her to meet me, and went to the place I always go when I need to get a grip: Efrain’s Mexican Restaurant. I don’t know what they put in their Premiere margaritas, but all is well with the world after one of those –every time. Nicole broke it down for me in her wise old way, and helped settle me down long enough to devise a (simple) plan. 1) Apply to at least two jobs every day until I get one in NY, because only a fool without a trust fund would move there with no job in a crappy economy; and 2) have a serious talk to my landlord about living in my apartment until I move.
Today’s horoscope just about sums it up:
You might be having a hard time today because knowing what you want isn't all there is to the equation. (No shit.) Your big concern now is how to realize your dreams. You may be best equipped to make a plan and focus your efforts on meeting each goal in a timely manner. (Thank you, Nicole). But you also might think it's better to stay loose enough to respond to anything that happens. (Which would explain hanging out with a bunch of climbers who just moved from Florida). Find a workable balance between planning ahead and being spontaneous. (Which would explain how we all ended up singing karaoke at The Outback and staying up until four a.m. this morning.)
